PaulaH
|
# Posted: 4 Mar 2008 16:14
Reply
My story started 21 years ago this month, 9th March 1987. My dear Dad who was 63 and 18 months from retirement came home from his night shift, went to bed and a few hours later Mum found him dead from a massive heart attack, his first and last.
I was at home from work that day, Mum went to get him up for work and I can still hear the words 'your Dad's cold' to this day - I went into their bedroom and there he was, it was the worse sight I've ever seen in my life.
The next few days were a blur, Mum was already retired so overnight I became sole earner - quite a shock at 24 - to a certain extent my 'life' died that day too - Mum went to pieces, I took sick leave from work and Mum and I never left each other's sight, if I went to the bathroom she came looking for me, I'd catch her crying in the middle of the night - it was a nightmare.
Gradually we got into a routine, I went back to work but Mum's dependancy on me grew just as her eyesight failed - glaucoma, the silent sight killer - she was never one for eye tests even though Dad had cataracts and I wear glasses - by the time she started falling over the damage was done, one eye completely gone due to AMD and enough sight gone in the other one to warrent her being classed as partially sighted.
Hospital visits followed - that in itself was an eye opener, the first eye consultant was a total pig, he wouldn't let me in with her unless I insisted - needless to say we changed but in the process wasted 12 months, a long time when your sight is at stake. Sadly by the time they operated (we affectionally called the eye grid to relieve her eye pressure 'the cat flap'!) she'd lost more sight and now she's virtually blind.
Her mobility then started to suffer, we eventually got a wheelchair for shopping trips - we've had fun with that, the amount of ignorant people who get in the way, I've developed a loud 'excuse me' voice which usually works! Blue badge parking - that bugs the life out of me, I'm forever complaining to customer services at supermarkets about rogue parkers - it would help if they didn't put them next to the cash machines!
I'd managed to hold down my job as an office manager until 7 years ago when I was at breaking point - I'd get up in the morning, make both breakfasts, feed the moggie, leave Mum a packed lunch, do an 8 hour day then come home and start again - my ironing got done at 3am in the morning. Mum had a nasty fall, just after 9/11 - I remember her ringing me, she could still see enough of the TV to see the news and was worried because she thought we were all in danger.
I took 3 months sick leave until my employer, a government regeneration agency, basically said back to work or resign - no flexible arrangements available apart from a 2 year 'unpaid career break' which was about as much use as a chocolate teapot, Mum was getting worse not better so I bit the bullet and left.
The first 12 months were very hard to adjust, not only financially - I'd gone from a £22k a year job to Carers Allowance plus AA for Mum - fortunately she gets a War Widows pension so that and my savings have kept us afloat so far. Missing the social contact from a busy office was so difficult, I'd gone from running an office of 56 people - hiring, firing, purchasing - to going round Tesco twice a week.
The only good thing was my computer, I got my old one (it's just died, this is a newer one!), that put me in touch with other people on craft sites, music sites and finally other carers - I didn't even realise I was a 'carer' until I left work, I was just a daughter looking after her Mum.
We've never had a carer assessment, the only thing we get are a yearly doctors checkup and a blue badge we have to pay £2 for - I've just got on with it the best I can, I promised she would never go into residential care and I'll keep that promise. I do have a half sister but she's got kids and grandkids and basically leaves Mum's care to me - she once told me it was 'my job'
I know my situation will eventually end, Mum's 87 and the last 12 months I've noticed a marked deterioration in her physically and mentally - she's had a couple of brief hospital visits which were terrible - no-one cares for the elderly in hospital especially if you're blind, if it hadn't been for me and my Sister going in to feed Mum (my sister even fed another patient) then she would have starved.
One thing that I never thought would happen is thanks to carer groups I've met the man that I'll spend the rest of my life with, my Tony , his caring came to an end when he lost his dear Mum just over a year ago so he understands just how difficult caring is, he treats Mum just like his own Mum - he's my rock and the reason I'm not scared of what will happen when Mum's not around, I won't be on my own anymore.
What do I want to see for carers - I want more information when you start caring, more health checks for YOU as well as the person you care for, more understanding from employers if you do chose to work and a proper level of benefit for those who can't work, something that doesn't stop when you retire.
Thanks for listening.
Paula
|
